lies_slip

05:59 pm: time to get you a new face.

such a pretty face behind a camera but i bet your just an ordinary person when they see you with nothing but their eyes.

could it be that i'm not good enough or am i to good? its not me that matters, its you. at first i thought you might have lost your other face and just kept the one i hate. but i saw them both today, and i dont like either one. you dont have to listen, and i know you dont, haha. i hope you will miss me.

07:09 pm: famous?

youre just a young boy starving for attention. and all those secrets you forgot to mention. everybody knows its not true. but nobody says a thing to you. looking for love, but you haven't found it yet. how can you find live when you dont know what it is? i look at the future and you're exactly where you are wasting you time, only drunken at a bar. you wanted fame for all the wrong reasons. you wanted them to look at you and see you and love you because nobody did. your eyes are blind, you pay no attention to the ones who care, so why should get any attention? you have no message to send out or prove to the world. you just want jealousy and lust toward you. thats what you call love.  love and jealousy dont work hand in hand. not greed or money is love. you think people dont know how hard you try. i bet i could see right through those eyes of yours. if i could just see them. looking to the past and all these memories overflowing your mind. all these dreams that were only a waste of time.

11:45 pm: my dreams

they've been coming true. and i'm getting a little scared. because i hope this one doesn't come true. because in the dream the doctor tells me i cant have kids. in the dream. i'm not scared or sad, just concerned i think. i cant remember how old i am in the dream. i didnt feel anything. but the gynecologist was a man. im starting to think, was i me in the dream?

because in another dream that i had my fish died. and i saw it dead, there, in the tank. a week later, my fish died. the exact same one that died in my dream. i had five fish. since then another has died. i now have three fish. but in my dream i saw the fish die. in real life i didn't. my friend was taking care of our house while we were out of town. he told us which fish died. and flushed him. i didnt really see my dead fish, but in the dream i did. so was i my friend in the dream? i think i was.

so in the dream about the doctor i cant be my friend, cuz he's a guy. so am i me, or someone else?

or am i just thinking to hard?

Tags: dreams

01:21 am: have you ever

have you ever gotten up to get something from another room in your house and by the time you get there, you totally forgot what it was that you wanted to get? i hate that feeling. its like you're too framiliar with your suroundings.

01:05 pm: its just a matter of time . . .

its really weird. its summer yet i find myself feeling the same. its not the summer school. its not the driving classes. it not even my friends. i think its me. and my thoughts towards things.

i feel like there's this hole? no. like theres this wall. what i want is right there on the other side. but this wall . . . it is my imaginary wall. my mind put it there. but now it wont go away. because i made it that way. because of whats on the other side. im not sure of what it is. but i want it. im thinking its a feeling. im not sure. maye a feeling of certainty. maybe a person? no. a memory? maybe. maybe even a memory of a person. no, i dont think it is that.

maybe i shouldnt try to figure it out. maybe. i made my self forget,to protect myself from a feeling that i dont want.from a feeling i dont need. then how come i want it so bad? is it curiosity? no. to be honest, i dont know what it is. but its starting to bother me deep inside. so much that i just want to scream and break everything in my sight. but i know its no use because i would never finnish. and i'd just end up crying because what of a mess i've become. and i dont want to cry. but one thing i do want to do is scratch that wall down. let all the paint drip off. reverse it building. let the bricks fall and break. but catch them. put them all back where they came from. and wonder how they got there. put the paint back into the cans, after rolling around in it. send them back to where they came from.un-pave all the sement thats holding that wall together. take the water out and watch it turn to powder as the water goes back up the hose. put it all back into the bags. un-tear them. return them. back to where they came from.then maybe i'd have some money.maybe i'd still build that wall, because it belongs there. and its there for a reason. but maybe this time i'll put a window. with thick bullet-proof glass. so that i could never brake it. just so that i would know. either what i'm missing out on, or protecting myself from.

12:09 am: sometimes i wonder . . .

how i would look with a perm.

if my dreams actually mean something.

why i can't fall asleep in the car like i did when i was a kid.

how cell phones really work.

if what i do today will really effect what i do tomarrow.

why i see so bad.

if gay people will go to heaven.

when and how i will die.

who invented the toilet.

if always being bored makes you a boring person.

if there will ever be a cure for cancer.

if he still lies.

Tags: ----

11:53 pm: wish.

i wish i had an ipod.

and a faster internet.

and i wish my parents had tought me spanish growing up.

so that i could pass spanish II in the blink of an eye.

and i wish my sister didn't have this insane fear of roaches.

because every time she screams i can literally feel my hear beat speed up.

and i wish those people who text me for no reason at all

would just stop.

i wish . . .

i knew why i was born.

there was no such thing as cancer.

nicole wasn't such a poop-face.

things weren't so hard.

i had a phone where its not so hard to text.

my mom wasn't so weird.

i could drive already. and had a car. and a motorcycle.

i could make friends as easy as barbara can.

fast food wouldn't make you so fat.

the economy was better.

i could paint my room red.

i could walk to the stripes without something bad happening.

my parents would let me get whatever piercings i wanted.

i had a babe, like allyssa always does.;)

there were no such things as accidents.

drugs didn't have a long-term effect on people. and weren't addicting.

it would rain more in laredo.

i didn't have the fears i do now.

or any fears at all.

nobody ever wrote on the mirror in my room.

i could get to sleep at night.

i read every book before i saw the movie.

i knew what i know now.

nobody would ever complain about their body,even me.

there was more time in one day.

our education was free.

we knew if we were going to heaven or not, and we could change it.

i had a driving parner for drivers ed. :(

i never had to say i was sorry.

Tags: i wish

05:17 pm: if i dressed like a hippie back then, then what do you think i dress like now?

hello. today was a horrible day for me. :( the teachers, the classmates, everyone, everything. i thought it would be okay, since we (the band) were taking half of the day off for recruiting. we went to the middle schools and blah blah blah. that part was okay, fine. it was even sort of fun after my dull morning, and after my teacher lost my freaking report card!! i dont get it. even if she is 84 years old. its a freaking report card! anyway, back to the rest of my day. turns out we couldnt perform for one of the middle schools, so we came back early. which would have been fine, only there's no A.C. in the band hall. and its not really like we could go anywhere else. and then the bell rang so i waited outside with some friends. the only good side is that i bought a paleta. took me a while to find a ride home so in the end i just asked my sister to pick me up.

ooohh but before i left one of the band directors accused me of convincing my friend to get out of band. like i would do something like that! my responce in my mind: WHAT THE HELL! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME THIS B.S. "I HEARD FROM A VERY "RELIABLE SOURCE" THAT YOU'VE BEEN blah blan blah"...MY ASS!! . . . forget it. whatever. he can believe what he wants. its not like i'm gunna be seeing his face any time next year. and he freaking made me use caps, iu almost never use caps. so, goodbye! i cant wait to be free!

and i always like to keep the title of my journals a secret, but to be honest, my friend told me once that i dressed like a hippie in elementary school [lol i did, but without noticing] and a picture made me think of when she said that. but now i hardly talk to that girl. and shes all lovey-dovey with her b-f.. and it makes me want to barf...and i'm sorry but, its not my fault we dont talk anymore. and its not like she didnt say anything bad about me. because she did. so i wonder what she'd tell me now.

its weird. i like writing. writing about things that happened, about people, and yeah i guess somewhat my life. but me? i dont like wrting about me so much. what made me think of this is that i have to write an essay titled "the real me" for my english class. its our final. even if i failed, i'd prolly still pass the class. but i dont know. my teacher really gets on my nerves. she bearly assigned this essay to us yesterday (saying that it was due friday), but then today she changed her mind! and now its due tomarrow. its not like i have time to do it. i mean,i do have time to do it lol, but i do have a life. and it'd be nice to know a real exact date for once in my life. to know something for sure. because thats how everything is these days, and how people are. careless, and reckless. it can be good to be those things. but during the rite time, and the rite topics. and people are careless and reckless in all the wrong ways now. and i still have to study for my biology and geography final tomarrow. maybe this is just me stalling to write an essay. i dont know. to tell you the truth i dont even know "the real me". i dont know who i am. i am still becoming me. i never know what i want. so how do i expect to get it? and i always do things the "wrong" way. and even at the wrong time. and i am careless and reckless. and i dont know any real exact date for any thing, for sure. how can you even believe your mothers saying the truth about your own birthday? the truth is, i dont know anything for sure. so why believe anything i say?

07:32 pm: you left the frays from the ties you severed

its not me you want. its anybody. you come crawling back every time. and its the same old story. if it was true, we wouldnt be as we are. and now i dont trust you. i'm not even suprised. "i changed", my ass! three weeks isnt a long time. and you didnt even give me that long. that says something. i really shouldnt have bothered......

 

and i'm not.

 

 

"So is that what you call a getaway?

Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say "best friends" means friends forever "

 

 

Tags: ---

07:24 pm:

i love taking surveys but right now im just so fed up with everything, even a survey sounds annoying right now.

the only questions that didnt sound annoying were these. . .

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
yes


Last thing you bought from TARGET?
 

Do you have a favorite number?
12

right now my ears hurt and im kinda pissy. its no fair today was so dull! my life is so dull!! and im all sick.

Tags: surveys

09:26 pm: pointless
conversations . you think you're going somewhere, but you're stuck. and you stand in the same place when the conversations over as when it started. its like you're getting nothing done.

01:15 am: . . .but NONE on my fingers [i've got all this ringing in my ears part III]

"call me a safe bet, i'm bettin' i'm not"-brand new

i'm trying not to complain anymore, because that just wouldn't make any sense anymore.

fine~

he never proved anything to anyone.in conclusion: it wasnt' true. i don't even know why it took me this long to realize. if he did care, he wouldn't have hurt me. and he wouldn't still be doing it now. and if he cared at all, he wouldn't treat me like complete crap. and he would have never lied to me in the first place.i still cant even get a straight answer."i do, but i dont" dosnt make sense, it never did, and it never will. so i assume he dosn't. he also dosn't even know what he wants. so how can i know what to do? i cant. so heres what i will do. When he can be a real friend, and give me a real answer. then i will forgive him.

 

but i assume that won't happen, knowing what i know now [about him as a person].

and he can't use that same string against me, because this whole time i have been the one sticking around. i have been the one trying. and i'm sick of trying. i'm tired of trying. i am only human, therefore i can only wait for so long, and for human reasons. but i did try. i don't see any effort it his eyes or hear any effort in his voice, at all.
only sympathy. sympathy bothers me :/

i give up, and it's not my fault.

the end.

05:45 pm: he was right for all the wrong reasons.

i know its not my fault

they've said that too many times for me to even begin to think that.

and i just can't help it,

thinking about him.

but once again,

its not my fault.

even if i should have moved on along time ago,

i didn't.

and regretting it now isn't going to change anything

at one point i did care,

and at one point i didn't.

and i one point we were in love,

but it was hidden.

heres a lesson learned :

you cant hide from the truth.

but you can lie.

all i know is that sooner or later,

people get tired of waiting.

i am tired of waiting.

tired of waiting for you to make sense,

tired of trying to figure you out,

tired of trying this hard.

tired of having this feeling

just to have that one.

tired of picking you up

every damn time your sad.

tired of hearing you complain every day

when it isn't even my fault,

its not my fault

tired of telling you over and over again,

because you never listen,

because we are best friends, and i do try.

i try my best to always be there for you,

and you try too

but not for me.

you try for anyone and everyone that you see.

i'm tired of waiting for you,

because you're never here for me.

and thats not selfish,

because if i was any other person

i would have left you

there

just to sit and cry alone.

like i do.

and its the truth.

but still, this means nothing to you!

as if i mean nothing to you.

you've told me otherwise.

but how am i suppost to believe you,

when every other thing you tell me is a lie?

maybe i'm not so clear.

i want to tell you,

i want you to hear me,

i want you to know.

but how am i suppost ti tell you

when you dont let me speak?

and you say you care.

you tell me you care.

but you don't proove it,

you don't show it at all.

and you won't stop talking about her

and her, and her.

sometimes i wonder.

do you talk about me?

do you even think about me?

because i think about you.

and i worry about you.

because i care about you.

and i cant stand hearing you talk about another girl

as if it were me talking about you.

and it hurts so bad

because i still believe

that you care

i still believe

every word you said.

but its so hard to keep it up,

when everyones telling you not to.

at the beginning it was easy.

but now i just cant take it.

it like your doing it on purpost

its like you want to hear me cry.

but i wont do it.

at least i wont admit it to you.

unless i know for sure.

that you feel the exact same way.

but now i fear . . .

you dont.

so just tell me already!

dammit just tell me!

because people tell me i cant do the impossibe.

i can't believe this lie.

i cant love someone who dosn't want to be loved.

you just want sympathy.

and you dont know how much it bothers me.

for once in my life, i wish it was you who had the epiphany

not me.

its about time you just let go.

but if you dont let go

what makes me think i will . . .

 

 

 

 

?

09:29 pm: for nicole,

why are people like that?
they tell you "how they feel"
and it makes you happy
they "sweep you off your feet"
you dont want to make any long-term plans
and you dont, because they do it all for you.
they tell you they'll never go.
they will "ALWAYS" be there for you no matter what.
there the ones who rush things.
they actually listen to you . . . for a while.
but nothing lasts forever.
and when the flame dies down,
there still the eager ones.
eager to put you out.
eager to let it go.
eager to leave.
and they leave you alone.
just like they said they'd never do.
"always?"  . . .
"never" is the same as "forever"
neither are permanent.
neither are real.
but neither are fake.
but one thing is fake.
those people, those lies.
and what happened, happened.
and its okay to cry about it.
because when theres just a spark left for them in you heart.
those tears will put it out.
and all those plans are gone.
and all these feelings.
gone.
but they wern't taken away.
they were never really there.
its okay, even if you're not.
deep down, you know you are.
you're okay.
and i wont have to tell you "i told you so"
because you heard me, you listened.
you know what i said.
so just wait till the next time.
when you come across the same problem.
you wont play with fire.
you wont just go for a spark.
and if you do. . . you'll put it out.
because you've learned,
you're better than them
. . . you're better than him . . .
and you'll be okay.

you are okay.

Tags: friends

03:23 pm: [un finished]

what will happen next.

its over.now its miserable.were falling apart.wasnt this suppost to be the best four years of our life.i miss my friends.does this mean i have to put up with the people talking behind me and make them my new friends.so that i can get by every day.knowing that i have friends there for me.but missing the true friends who i and love.i wish i was still with them.but live moves on.the thing is, just because life moves on dosnt mean i want to move aling with it. i want to go back.even though som thing were bad back then, i'd take it all back. i'd give up what i have now for what i had then.it ment more to me.but i cant do that. as much as i wish i could. its impossible.its all over.things are happening.people are changing. its like gravity pulled this rug out from under me so fast.and i had no idea.and even worse, family problems.its getting so confusing now. i dont even know what im feeling now.and i have no idea what i should be thinking.

10:20 pm: why are you messin' with me?

 

"If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget... You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. "

brand new lyrics always get me thinking

and their so fuc*ing sad.

"Jesus Christ"

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
'cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you're coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

"Good To Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die"

Am I correct to defend the fist that holds this pen?
It's ink that lies,
the pen, the page, the paper.
I live, I learn.
You will always take what I have earned.
And so aid my end while I believe I'm winning.

Our friends speak out in our defense.
Pay ten deaf ears for two months rent.
We burn their gallows they erect,
and cut the nooses they tie for our necks.

[Chorus:]
You constantly make it impossible to make conversation.
Keep us comatose but audible.
And I like it the farther I get out.
We pass it off but it's all on us.
Only common conversation,
it took everything I got.
And I like it the farther I get out.

Once said, always said.
I will hold the past over your head.
I'll speak my mind whenever I feel slighted.
I am hellbent on extracting all of my revenge.
Take heart, sweetheart, or I will take it from you.

We slip concealed back to the keep.
Concede to do the work for free.
We prey as wolves among the sheep and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep."

 

and another.

okay i havnt been writing as often as i used to, and up to now you think i'd be happy in this crappy life of mine. well, i dont know why but i always write when im sad or mad. not happy, or excited, but mad or sad. smad is the word. smad at the world! i think i stress out too much and for no reason.:P poop. i need some kind of medication. lol. i dont know, but i wish i could write as good as brand new and crap someday. today lol.

ill write soon

 

 

 

 

Tags: today

10:18 pm: weird

i am never sure of anything, but if i had to be sure of one thing it would be that im so undecided. This is so unexpected. whether its weird in a good way or a bad way, i didnt see this one coming. and im not sure what ill do. but i never am. hopefully i'll do the right thing this tome, maybe get lucky. and it can turn this series of unfortunate events around. i think i know better people than i used to.

i am very tired, and dont want my grades to drop. no c's yet this year. its high school so i hope i'll keep it this way. I should be doing my homework right this very moment, but i just havnt written in a while.

i wish there was a medicine that could fix the way i feel. i dont feel depressed or over-anything. i just feel . . . weird. because i found out some weird things. but its not weird in a bad way or a good way. its just plain freakin' weird.maybe in a good way. but it also gets me very confused :)

 

 

 

i'll write again a.s.a.p.

 

Tags: ............

07:46 pm: the last thing ever written about you./my day
_____

__ ____ __ ____

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

___ __ _____ ____

so from now on......

 

 

count me out ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

///////////////////////////////

today was . . . being nice to my life,

but candy rots you're teeth even if its sweet.

so, i'll expect the worst.

 

 

-
im glad i have friends, im glad i have dreams.

but is that all?

are my dreams just dreams and not a future?

and are my friends just friends???

and is that all?

 

 

 

 

sometimes i think i think too much.

because i do. i use my brain where i dont need it, but i use my brain! and u cant call someone stupid for thinking. because that'd just be stupid! so, im so confuised all the time!!!!

Tags: 4getin'

10:24 pm: Sympathy For The Martyr-straylight run

these lyrics really mean something to me

"You just can't relax,
And you can't rely,
On anyone for anything,
So you make your complaints,
And all everyone's let you down,
You just cant,
Ever win,
Convinced there's a war on,
It's always everybody versus you,
Convinced that your critics are watching,
And you've always got something,
You've always got something to prove,

So tie the noose,
And raise the cross,
The martyr's arrived,
A desperate plea for sympathy,
It's all you'll need,

A laundry list of problems,
Doesn't make you interesting,
And never getting help doesn't make you brave,
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith,
Your just cutting off your nose to spite your face,

So tie the noose,
And raise the cross,
The martyr's arrived,
A desperate plea for sympathy,
It's all you'll need!

And you want it all
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all,
You want it, you want it all.

 

"

 

 

 

 

 

and i hope they mean something to you, too. Those lyrics in fed just really relate to me so much right now, in a way that i want to scream them in someones face, but i know they wont understand what i do. Oh well. i dont have to tell that person anything anymore. i ont even have to think about that person anymore. because that person isnt worth thinking about. that person takes things for granted. that person is selfish. that person asks for help, and then pushes the help away. and that person lies about it in the end. "you didnt help me" . . . next time say it to my face.

 

 

 

 

 

go fucking kill yourself.

 

 

 

see if i try to help now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

as for me. i'll prolly get hit by a car and die anyways. . .

Tags: pissed off

07:21 pm: i always knew . . . you[the WORST part of believe is the lie]

i want to cry. i dont want to cry.

that would make me feel weak and just want to cry more. please ignore my last entry. i am a gullable, horrible, stupid, pathetic person. or at least thats how i feel right now. screw everything. nothing matters. im just a liar. just like everyone else. im so pissed off!

at least i have friends.

they'll help me. if he lied then why should i keep a promise? it makes no sence. well i dont care anymore. i dont care about alot of things. for now, i just want to be okay and happy.

i'm kind of stressed out latley because of my shedule and classes. i changed most of them that needed to be changed, but i might still change one. i just dont know if i like it. lol its photojournalism. :/ eh im not really that interested in journalism. i like photography though! i just always wanted to take art so i might switch it but next year tho ^.^

but im still not sure hehe :D

 

high school

it was described to me as "the best four years you will ever have in your life" by may aunt, but i dont think thats exactly true. so far some things are okay, but over-all it sucks. if only i didnt join band. its like i dont have any time for anything anymore. and im not lying~!
 

haaahh haaah i love laughing in the face of . . . uh victory!!!!